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DΛVID

@_davidlucas_

Not owing explanations to strangers on the internet since 2011. Proudly blocked by @3AWNeilMitchell.

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Pinned

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.


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WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking? ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb. HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'


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Brand new shoes means I'll step in shit, shit you not


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FYI, 500 years ago Nostradamus predicted that some of my tweets might not be true.


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So people are now saying there's water on the moon. That's lunar sea.


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The NRA has responded to the Donald Trump rooftop shooting by calling for a ban on rooftops


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This is the kind of shit I live for 😂😂😂

this is 100% real news from Canada.

Tweet Image 1


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American Democrats: "Six weeks isn't enough time to replace a leader" Australians: "We'd have it done in under 24 hours" theshovel.com.au/2024/07/04/dem…


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Blow me, you oscillating fan.


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I remember when Door Dash was pulling yourself out of the marijuana haze at 3:50am and realizing you had 10 minutes until Taco Bell closed.


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WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking? ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a 'buyography' and the one from the self-checkouts an 'autobuyography'. HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'


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The world went to hell when kids stopped playing outside.


[Chopping herbs for the soup] Wife: What are you thinking? Me: This is thyme I'll never get back LOL Wife: Sometimes it's okay to say "nothing" Me: Only some-thymes? lol Wife: I hate you


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Father's Day is this Sunday. My Dad always taught me right from wrong. He was always right. I was always wrong.


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Met a nine year old with a mullet today and he stole my jean jacket


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OPINION: “There’s No Racism in Australia and You Can Piss Off Back to Where You Came From if You Don’t Agree” theshovel.com.au/2024/05/31/opi…


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Watching Trump trying to dance, it's true what they say, guilty feet have got no rhythm.


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Final Destination remake but it’s a Boeing whistleblower trying to stay alive


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