several onions
@Amusitr0nOn more than one occasion I farted, woke myself up, thought it was my phone vibrating and tried to answer my fart.
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@ch000ch
Linda, if you’re reading this I’m sorry. It was sheer fallacy to believe the holes in the emotional fabric of our relationship could be filled with extremely rare spoons.
if you ask me sports teams should all be named after terrifying things like the Pregnancy Scares, the Famine, and the Accidentally Linked Porn to Your Mother in Law’s Bluetooth Speaker
Watched one of those man vs food, competitive food challenge guys make the sign of the cross and do a little prayer before he horked down an 8lb burger. Guess he stopped reading after he got to the sixth deadly sin.
you know what you don’t hear about any more? grave robbing. yet another respectable trade ruined by lazy millennials
Bill Clinton stunned audiences yesterday evening with an impromptu saxophone reimagination of Alanis Morrisette’s third studio album: Jagged Little Bill
“You know, Vin means wine in French and that is one fine murr lawt” whispers Vin Diesel, as he slowly transforms into an extremely muscular snake. “Diesssel was an exsstremely popular canabiss sstrain in the early two thousssandss”
Okay guys!! for one month I will only be eating stuff I find in the long grass next to the train tracks. Chuga fuckin choo!
the UFC has yet to witness the most embarrassing knockout imaginable, the “why do you keep hitting yourself?” knockout
I pull the mustard bottle’s seal and enter the Mustard Dimension. Hot dogs ride flaxen waves on bun boards. A burger family plays on the beach. Military helicopters crest the dunes. I shriek monstrously as the first bullets hit me.
Researcher (3,000 years in the future): this remarkably preserved bog mummy dating to approximately 2024 has a tattoo of a person’s neck on his left buttock. We believe it was put there so he could tell people “I have a neck tattoo, it’s on my butt”.
my wife has been secretly feeding me dog pills in hopes they would make me sick but I keep getting stronger and stronger
carving my initials in the toilet seat at work and then, when accused, acting like it was a frame up
text your beau/partner/significant other “want me to buy salad pickles for the pickle salad?”. I’ll go first:
Welcome to the Echo Chamber of Insipid Platitudes, I hope this message finds you well
Ma’am do you know how good of a girl you’ve been? I’m afraid I’m going to need to write you a citation
Me: Kevin Costner is in it and he has gills. The bad guys have jet skis and even though it’s a ‘water world’ there’s a ton of explosions My date: I meant more literature
tried the trendy new voltaren rubbed trout recipe and now my mouth is really tingly
well, besides the culvert behind my house spewing an unrelenting torrent of perfectly boiled eggs three times per day, nothing much is new
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Who to follow
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Cat Damon
@CornOnTheGoblin -
greg
@GrowlyGrego -
brent
@murrman5 -
slick
@dlicj -
pat tobin
@tastefactory -
Dr. Bucky Isotope, why am I here, am I even real?
@BuckyIsotope -
tara shoe
@tarashoe -
Fred Delicious 🍆
@Fred_Delicious -
Nate
@thenatewolf -
Ray
@SirEviscerate -
princess stronghands
@online_shawn -
Snorklhuahua
@weinerdog4life -
lil jon lovitz(?)
@liljonlovitz -
audrey farnsworth
@audipenny -
chuuch
@ch000ch
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