Lia
@lifeisforkedupThe cup is half empty, but it’s a f*cking great cup. Scottish. Storyteller. Music lover. 🏴🇨🇦
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backstreet boys: everybody rock your body me: i’ll have the dwayne johnson hot stone massage please
meditation app: do your thoughts race in your mind? me: no, my thoughts are lazy bastards just like the rest of me
We need a Disney princess that will tell her con artist Prince to stop emailing us all, asking us to look after his money!
[NASA job interview] Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow! Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury's and I'm currently at Nestlé. Interviewer: Get out.
[first day as a chef] *serves up a plate of various animal genitals* *re-reads order* Ohhh... that says mixed VEG
New addition for Oxford : Horry (adj.)- being angry & horny at the same time.
Getting a pet hamster is like "here kid, I planned you some trauma."
Imagine meeting your soulmate, and then finding out they call it ‘Valentimes Day’.
I definitely have a type. - Me, filling in the blood group section of my food intolerance test.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
If you're having Matrix problems I feel bad for you son I got 99 problems but a glitch ain't one - Neo, probably
Stairway to Heaven is written about the stairs you walk up to get to the pizza buffet.
stealing my friend’s lava lamp and releasing it back into nature by throwing it into a volcano
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Who to follow
-
Oswald O'lottakum
@OswaldOLottakum -
Maybe Pile
@MaybePileJokes -
Gal Gateaux
@tea_n_cake89 -
Frank Chips
@dad_chips -
JellybeanPancakes
@Shesnotkiddin -
Ella Zee 🌈👑
@EllaZee5 -
Cesspool
@of_a_genepool -
Han Solo Cup
@paminski -
3 Bat Ghosts 👻
@BatHawkDown -
Corduroy Negligee
@groovuroy -
mildly mad
@mad_cattery -
Mal
@TheRealPalMal -
Meg the Magnificent 🏳️🌈
@meghaffer -
❤️Hush Jared🤙
@HushJared -
Picklepuss Pearlykim
@pearlykim
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