Brutus
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Can we have a moment of silence for the times when headphones can't block everything?
For the love of God someone please tell Steven Tyler he died 7 years ago.
Squirrels always act like it's their first day of being a squirrel.
I don't understand people who "get ready for bed". I'm always ready for bed.
You know that signature bass-and-drums riff in The Chain? It's one of the best moments in Fleetwood Mac music. You don't know? Unfollow me.
*Sad trombone noise* Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
My Fitbit says according to my statistics I most likely identify as a slug who has nothing left to live for.
[at specialist office] Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see? Me: I’m here for...did you just say witch doctor? SD: no M: you sure? SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I prefer the term "quirky", it sounds less diagnosable.
Insomnia continuously plays the greatest hits of my mistakes and bad decisions.
#ICanHonestlySay I don’t care if the glass is half empty or half full. It just clearly needs filling up 🍻
Being dead inside has done wonders for my complexion.
Me (being attacked by werewolf): *pulls out emergency tennis ball* Who's a good boy?
me: so what do you do for a living? my date who is a taxidermist: oh, you know, stuff
Sometimes I forget that people can see me walk away mid-conversation.
Typed "selfless" into a search and it asked me if I meant "selfies" and I feel like this is probably a good example of everything that's wrong with everything.
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