Kristy
@School_of_ChakDon't supress laughter...it turns into fat.
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Watched a woman at the gas station add four espresso shots to her large coffee. Like, damn sis, idk what you got going on but I feel you!
God: And we shall call it "Sex" Angel: And it will be a beautiful celebration of love and life God: No, stigmatize that shit and make everyone feel like a dirty sinner for doing it
I'm just going through an awkward phase. You know, the one between conception and death.
Mirai Nagasu landed the triple axle and I didn't trip using the escalator at the airport. Everbody's a winner.
My fortune cookie said that true love is right in front of me. Damn I love you too General Tso!
I'm so tired that I just waved at my cat and was genuinely upset when she didn't wave back.
Personal trainer: So it looks like you have some lofty goals here. What are you training for? A 10k...a half-marathon? Me: Dine and Dash
Friend: I am so into chakras right now! Me: Really? Name one! Friend: Uh...Chakra Khan?
Therapist: You're antisocial Me: That is not true. I have lots of friends Therapist: Four legged friends don't count Me: ...
I'm so cynical that every time I hear an inspirational quote I wait for the punchline.
I never said I was the sharpest tool in the...uh...wherever the hell you store tools!
If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all was the last thing I ever said.
I'm currently doing the 'How many days in a row can you use dry shampoo before you look like George Washington?' challenge.
Me: What did you buy at the store? Husband: Queso and cough drops. Me: Are you making one of your mother's recipes again?
I up-cycled that chair you gave me into this nice bowl of decorative wood chips.
I've waited so long for my ship to come in that my dock has dry rot.
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