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Alexis Pereira

@MrAlexisPereira

A 21st Century Fox; writer on Disney’s Hamster & Gretel

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❝𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕤 𝕥𝕣𝕦𝕝𝕪, 𝕕𝕚𝕞𝕠 ❞ photo

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Ben Franklin

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Name other scholars beside Oppenheimer who spent their later years running away from their early work



Check out this view.


Jake Paul’s fight with Mike Tyson feels like the dawn of a new era of conservative content. And I gotta say: I’m so excited to see more cool stuff like that!


My first ever episode of Hamster & Gretel is now on Disney+. Please enjoy this and all my other crazy jokes and the voice talents of Carol Kane and Carlos Alazraqui. In this episode, an evil A.I. program replaces the town’s beloved crossing guard. More of my jokes to come.

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That’s right. I have them all.

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BREAKING: Hackers may have stolen the Social Security numbers of every American from National Public Data, around 2.9 billion records, per the LA Times



Hear me out: what if UCB opened a second location in the East Village...

The Astor Place Starbucks closed for good last night. The SB signage is gone from this 4k-foot space, which they'd been in since March '95. Management told @Joy_of_photos that "the landlords jacked up the rent so astronomically high that even corporate Starbucks couldn't pay it."

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I love opening a bottle of wine and cooking. Getting too drunk halfway and fucking up the food. Passing out at 9pm after eating really bad spaghetti. Feel like a real Italian chef.


Me at the postgame of the Red Wedding

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Yoooo Kings Landing has a basketball court. House of the Dragon about to go crazy.

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The only thing that is “NY Style” about NY Style pizza in LA is that it’s a crime.


Your friends’ excuses for why they can’t hang out when you hit your late 30s

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I don’t wanna sound paranoid but I feel like I weirdly caught some strays in Kendrick Lamar’s diss track of Drake? Some of these lyrics feel totally about me??

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Alexis Pereira Reposted

Everybody in NYC on the first nice day


For years I read that bees are dying and they’re super important but now I’m reading we got too many bees. I fucking knew bees were up to something.


Me and my cousins coming back to the New Year’s party after breaking a lamp in one of the bedrooms


I turn 40 this Sunday. What’s some advice you should have given me when I turned 30 that’s too late to follow now?


I’m glad they’re checking big bags on the subway in NYC. Every victim of subway crime remembers how their assailant had a big bag full of weapons.


Alexis Pereira Reposted

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.


*police looking at my google searches after my murder* “My god, did this guy know anything? ‘Who was the lead in Forrest Gump?’ What the hell? Look, he googled ‘what’s 20% of 100.’ Just a class A moron.”


Creatives! Remember to never stop creating. So much of this industry is rejection, so I always set aside a little time each week to create problems for myself. It doesn’t make me feel better, but now I can think about something other than rejection.


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