your golden boy
@LitSpudhttps://t.co/Y2eQioae6V
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[robbing a bank] accomplice: nice pantyhose me: thanks accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
tato: its time to take a little trip qwab: but i haven’t learnt how to heterosexual yet aggie: where will you sail your honey wagon? tato: far far from- *whang and akso start pooping beside the road*
[Ambulance] Horse Paramedic: gotta get her to horsepital! Horse Parademic2: how are you even driving with hooves? [both stare at each other]
[9 legged spider repels towards your sleeping mouth whispers] jackpot!
Glitter cop, bringing the fierce back to law enforcement by @underfleeker @aksorojas & @litspud twitter.com/i/moments/9091…
Knight: should we attack? Horse: neigh my lord Knight: you're my best adviser chestnut Horse: neigh Knight: modest too
Me: i'm not much of a fighter Wine: hold my beer
{waiting for the japanese delegation} [CEO] this deal can save our firm [wearing hello kitty costume] relax they’ll go nuts for this shit
[drug deal] Dealer: your dog is looking at me funny Me: surprise MF he’s a plain clothes police dog! Dog in jeans and a vest: *nods*
george michael: i just can't respect performers with two first names elton john: help me tiny dancer
my twitter tombstone won’t have RIP it’ll have BRB
wife: good news or the bad news? me: good news wife: I'M PREGNANT! me: omg i do not want the bad news then
lucifer please dont take this the wrong way. youre a swell guy and all...
date: what type of work do you do? occupational therapist: i specialize in hand therapy,,,um hand jobs,,I mean-
joker: riddle me this Batman...is this cancer? *Batman swallows down bile*
Boogeyboy: *putting condom on* today i become a boogeyman Boogeygirl: why are we under the bed
*dad sits bolt up right in bed* 🎶disco music🎶 *dad throws door open // boogeyman is dancing in son’s room in a white 1 piece suit* *punches rain down like bee gees music*
kid: DAAAD! *dad runs in* dad: u have a nitemare bud? kid: it was the boogeyman dad: how’d u know pal? kid: he slimed me
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