Bull Murray
@BullsMurrayNobody will ever believe you
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[wife as soon as I get home] can you put lotion on my feet? [me getting home from my job where I apply the goop on babies during birthing scenes for movies] I just wanna relax michelle
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
pplease stop asking me to retweet shit for money, if you have to pay me to retweet your shit its probably so bad it sucks shit
[having to poop but also late for work] ugh I don’t have time for this shit
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl? Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
sorry im late, i sat down in the shower again
Of all the vices I've battled over the years, having hopes and dreams caused the most damage
At what speed does a long, elegant stride become comical to others? One can’t correct this without data.
mom can you come pick me up everyone at this gym is more physically fit than I am
It illegal to use the word gallivant before 6:30 am CST.
Super glad Colleen spent $6600 on the anti theft alarm so no one can steal Dunston Checks In.
Son: Daddy, there's a monster under my bed Me *ruffles his hair* why do you think I chose the other room?
Some dude with a waist circumference about three times the size of mine felt obligated to comment on the amount of sugar I put in my coffee. It was my first cup of the day, and he’s lucky I didn’t shove the stir stick up his nose.
A sacrificial lamb has to end up dead. If it doesn’t, you don’t have a sacrificial lamb. I don’t know what you have, tbh.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
date: [pulls away from kissing] let's move this to your bed me: [sitting on a futon] you're not gonna believe this
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