Dr. Twittenheimer
@DrTwittenheimerI'm not a comedic genius. I'm just a regular genius who writes brilliant jokes.
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Not all analogies make sense, just like not all elephants are good at walking backwards, probably.
Hilarity ensues *way* less often than television has led us to believe.
"Crop circles are too complex to have been made by humans," he typed on a handheld device containing a touch-sensitive screen, a high-resolution camera, a global positioning satellite receiver, and a wireless connection to a worldwide information and communication network.
Give us this day our daily bread. And maybe cover it with tomato sauce and cheese. And add a few toppings.
Think about how awful it would be if mosquitoes were the size of Chihuahuas. Or even just if mosquitoes were normal size but humans were the size of Chihuahuas. You know what? Screw Chihuahuas.
I'm starting to question whether Milli and Vanilli were even their real names.
I think the best thing about modern devices with autocorrect is that we no longer have to waste time prof redding.
No matter how difficult or frustrating life gets, we can always be thankful that we don't live in an actual musical.
Person: "Why is 'fight' your response to every single threat?" Penguins: 😐
Some of you look better and some of you look worse with glasses on. To be honest, without them you're all pretty blurry.
There is not a single animal on Earth that wouldn't sound cooler with "sabre-tooth" in front of its same.
I'll tell you what doesn't belong on anyone's pizza: your judgement. And anchovies.
My neighbor asked if I thought November was too early to put up their Christmas lights. Um, no. That's not early, rookie. I put mine up on December 26th.
I'm pretty good at guessing what is in a package by the way it rattles and by the way it didn't rattle at first.
Halloween is fun because it's the one day of the year when you can dress up in a scary costume and strangers will give you candy if you knock on their door. Like, wow, you *really* don't want to try this on any other day.
Lots of people name their kid Hunter, but I have yet to meet anyone named Gatherer.
Expect people to disappoint you and you'll rarely be disappointed. About that.
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