DasAutoCitron
@DasAutoCitronJesus loves you, but we think you're a cunt.
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@SleepyHazel
Everyone go to bed. Cuddling your pets and/or the hard liqour of your choice. No one's topping this today.
I'm just gonna apologize in advance to the entire sex worker community for all the times I'll be referring to the new cabinet as "whores."
It felt weird to ask for help for the sanctuary this month because you guys had a lot going on. 3 people helped anyway. It means a lot. This is a tough time with hospice care and losses, and having the support of this community is truly life-saving. Thank you
No one needs their friends to jump off a bridge for them to jump off a bridge these days.
My firm hired four Ukranian refugees. Which is fantastic. None speak Danish, only one speaks a tiny bit of English. Doing an enterpretive dance to convey complex information about shipping procedures? NOT FANTASTIC!
I'm sorry I asked if your child on a leash was a rescue.
I'm not "passive aggressive"... would a passive aggressive person give your kids kazoos?
My hoodie strings are uneven so I’m going home sick.
every day on this beyoncé-forsaken app men are willing to say publicly that women are nothing more to them than inflatable sex dolls
If Trump picks Jamiroquai for a cabinet position today, my bookie will never financially recover.
“the left is so dramatic. we all survived his first four years” my bitch in christ, millions literally did not
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Movies taught us we'd at least get some cool villains to fight. Instead, our existence will be threatened by a series of increasingly preposterous cartoon characters. Overcome Heinz Doofenschmirtz and you'll advance to the final boss battle against Gargamel from The Smurfs.
I feel like one day I’m gonna find out I’m on a Truman Show and everyone’s gonna be like “Bro, you thought birds were real? Birds? Those things that literally fly through the air? Dumbass.”
is the left “obsessed” with gender, sexuality, race, etc, or are they just constantly having to defend people in marginalized groups against a right wing that’s ACTUALLY obsessed with gender, sexuality, race, etc
If you say "funny twitter" 3x in a mirror, someone will appear to explain your own joke to you
Sorry I liked your tweet so fast. Yeah, I am actually stalking you. You’re out of milk btw
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
Hey 👋 guys I’m over at MySpace if you wanna add me. Tom already did 💅
I'm having a shitty week, so I have not been drinking my water, so I now have leg cramps, so did I start drinking my water?!? hell no!! Do I sound like I listen to good advice?!?
Just blocking anyone who rains on my parade now with zero tolerance, life is too fucking short
United States Trends
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Who to follow
-
Tits McDick
@Tits_McDick -
𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈
@schmezi -
Jenny Doesnt Know
@HighlyIngenious -
boo-boo-ɾɑҍҍíԵ
@StrangerTings5 -
Frank Chips
@dad_chips -
Phil
@geowizzacist -
Dawne Richards
@dawnerichards -
satoshi
@kweenofVegas -
Lemongrass
@Lemongrass1978 -
S̲uper H̲uman A̲utomated Y̲odeler
@_indica_sky -
Lottie-pop 🍭
@Lottie_Poppie -
Knives Patel 🗺
@PirateDJ -
ₙ̶!̶ₚ̶ˣ̶ⁿ̶ɹ̶ ̶ʎ̶ʇ̶ˣ̶ǝ̶ʇ̶
@TextyRuxpin -
The REAL #CheekyDre
@CheekyDre -
Andie
@SleepyHazel
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