BonaFideIntent
@BonaFideIntentSometimes, I pretend I'm an Olympic swimmer & swim in a tub of Goldfish crackers wearing arm floaties. Sometimes, I'm not on drugs.
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Dear Homophobic Vending Machine: I'm sorry my dollar bill wasn't straight enough for you. Go fuck yourself. Sincerely, Skittle-less
Help a girl out & cast a FREE VOTE every 24hrs?! 💙😘 cover.inkedmag.com/2024/christina… #inked #tattoo #inkedgirls
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
12 Vicodin MAY be my limit. I've been in bed for 3 hours, polishing a tomato with a dryer sheet I found hidden in the leg of my sweatpants.
Watched Top Chef. Got motivated. Made dinosaur chicken nuggets in the microwave. Eating them in the order they died in the food chain.
If you think I'm tweeting this in the nude, you're wrong. I'm wearing a sombrero & a candy necklace.
Home alone. Drunk. In a penguin costume. Wish you were here.
Life is better after having sex. Or when you know you're about to have sex. Or when you know someone wants to have sex w you. Probably.
Bitch, this is an elevator ride not a tea party. Stand in your corner & stop talking to me.
Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you're crossing a border. Then don't do that.
Time is precious. That which is dearest to you can be ripped away unexpectedly. Savor every moment! RIP My Box of Stolen Animal Crackers
It's a tweet people, not your diary. Let's stay focused here. Unrelated: I am eating a sandwich. It has cheese on it.
Mowing the lawn. Idk who's lawn I'm mowing. Or how I escaped Home Depot on a stolen mower. I've collected 27 garden gnomes & a plastic duck.
I've drank about $256.43 in liquor. I'm making grilled cheese. Without cheese. Or bread. I'm frying butter in a pan. This is a cry for help.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said they wanted to have sex with me, I'd have $0.13
My Aunt: The BEST murder weapon is an icicle. No evidence or DNA. Trust me on this. Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT YOUR TWITTER HANDLE TO BE?!?
I was mid-masturbation & thought of a good tweet. I stopped masturbating to tweet it. This is the tweet.
I took a brief intermission.. Was the emotional trauma of losing a gummy bear in your vagina while masturbating drunk discussed yet? ..No?
Some guy rides on a boat & gets a DAY named after him. I rode on a boat & all I got was drunk, nauseous, & public nudity charges. The fuck..
I dreamt last night I went to the gym for an hour. Can I eat my doughnut now?
I was gonna go to the gym, but I was stopped by a bag of Cheetos.
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