Abby Heugel
@AbbyHasIssuesWriter. Editor. Eater of green things from the ground. https://t.co/zWmEYTiCTJ
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I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I’m actually really fun and outgoing when I’ve had nine hours of sleep, four meals, two snacks, tea, and am not required to wear real pants or have more than five minutes of social interaction.
I’ve never related to a character in a book more than The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
Me: What's your Wi-Fi password? Optometrist: It's the very bottom line of that eye chart. Me: You sick sonofabitch.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Therapist: It seems like you have a problem with projecting your feelings onto others. Me: No, I don’t. You’re the one with the problem.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person that gets angry at loud noises and makes decisions based on the availability of food and a comfortable place to sit down.
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved. Unless you talk on speakerphone in public. In which case, everyone hates you.
Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know. Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone. Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
"Sorry. Can't. It's already dark out." - Me, every night from now until about mid-May.
We all need something to look forward to, which is why I order things online.
I'm at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Employer: We’ve decided to go in another direction for the position, but we’ll keep your resume on file Me: No you won’t Employer: Ok you got me. There is zero chance you’ll ever hear from us again
I just reposted your tweet despite the superfluous comma. Please don't let that happen again.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I'm not multitasking as much as I'm doing a bunch of random things while I try to remember what I was going to do in the first place.
I’m actually totally calm, cool and collected as long as I’m not tired, cold, hungry or slightly inconvenienced in any way, shape or form.
There's no age limit on trick or treating. You can knock on my door with a martini and a smoldering Pall Mall in your old-looking hands and I'm gonna give you a Snickers. Happy Halloween.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes ME: Put Ratatouille on
I don’t understand people who talk on the phone while driving. I don’t even want to talk on the phone when I’m home on my couch not operating a 2,000-pound machine.
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