Old White Man Says
@oldwhitemansaysI'm roommates with an old white dude. He's grumpy and racist. I just write down shit that he says.
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"You ever see that James Bond movie where he kissed his brother? Or was that a dream I had?"
"Want to know my secret salsa recipe? Mix mild salsa with hot salsa until you find a happy medium."
"Would your bed be more comfortable if your pillow was shaped like a basketball? Or is that racist?"
"Ha! This anthropology book says "erect" all the time. You would think that would get old after a while, but it doesn't!"
"I had some crazy nicknames back in the 70's, but all those friends died in the 80's."
"Turns out my hair stylist was being sarcastic about my turtleneck the other day. It's so hard to tell with those gay accents."
"If the Mexicans had their way, we'd be using fireworks for currency."
"If somebody gives you a business card, rip it up in front of them. Show them you're in control."
"Taxes are like yardwork and wedding vows: if you can get away with it, don't do them. If you don't do any, it's called a hat trick."
"Kids are like dogs. If you want them to obey you, you have to treat them like children."
"I'll show you the tool that's most important to our survival… but fair warning, it's my penis."
"Jewish people wear yarmulkes because it's half a hat. It saves money."
"Look at us, living together, driving together. We're like Batman and Shaft!"
"I used to have a mirror on this ceiling, but it fell on me after I punched it."
“Why would anyone take Cosmetology? I can teach them how to be a prostitute for free.” // #NBCCommunity
"Anthropology? Why study my ancient ancestors when we can just study the primitive races like Eskimos or Italians."
"I like to think of myself as an attractive, straight Harrison Ford."
"A 'gall bladder' is just something doctors make up to charge you more money. Yeah, remove my *wallet* while you're down there!"
"I came up with the idea for Twitter about 20 years ago, but it was for fax machines. You're welcome."
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