@offbeatoliv Profile picture

Marnie

@offbeatoliv

➡️ https://t.co/wZI3MpThWN

Joined June 2016
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Pinned

me: what’s wrong with me therapist: [looking thru notes] you’re the worst


disgusting if literal: a stream of piss


Marnie Reposted

Sprayed my text with perfume in hopes of seducing you.


Marnie Reposted

Maybe one day, if I’m a very good girl, someone will actually be afraid of losing me for once.


Marnie Reposted

I love the New Year's Eve countdown. All the best parties end with math.


Marnie Reposted

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven't seen it since.


Marnie Reposted

How come Greg Olsen looks like Bill Hader doing a football player skit?


The bad news: my friend’s son got busted for smoking weed in the bathroom of a Spirit Airlines airplane The good news: he’s banned from Spirit Airlines for life


Marnie Reposted

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl - the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.


Marnie Reposted

I hope that wasn’t a life lesson I just ignored.


Marnie Reposted

There’s a huge difference between “I’m happy I read that book” and “I’m happy I finished that book.”


Marnie Reposted

At my age, even jumping to conclusions gives me knee pain.


Marnie Reposted

not my best year but i have learned a lot


Marnie Reposted

Things keep happening, so far, without end.


Marnie Reposted

Happy everything to those who omnibrate


Marnie Reposted

Welcome to your forties! You're gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples


If you don’t recognize me I’m the one with the sensible shoes.


Marnie Reposted

I rarely wear my wedding ring because I don't care for rings. Downside: I have nothing to hurl in anger.


Marnie Reposted

She will disappoint you like a $10 coffee


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