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Funny Tweets #1

@needlessjokes

.......Tweeting facts, jokes and funny stuff for you to enjoy.......

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Oh your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?


Me: "Why am I still single?" Brain: "You're weird as shit." Body: "And you're fat." Face: "Plus you're ugly." Food: "But I'm here for you."


when you spend 3 hours on your makeup and you still ugly https://t.co/924XhiT1HJ

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What a lovely winter we're having this spring.


I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.


I hate the part of the morning where I have to actually get out of bed and participate in real life.


I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts making explosive noises so I check and it's cold like why you gotta play me like that.


somewhere stuck between "i hate school" and "i need a diploma"


exercise exercis exerci exerc exer exe ex ext extr extra l extra la extra lar extra larg extra large extra large piz extra large pizza


👀👀 https://t.co/64nTnHeW06

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"what's your favorite subject" going home 🏡👋


Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life???


pizza won't divorce you pizza won't betray you pizza won't cheat on you pizza won't fight with you why don't people just marry pizza


Teacher: You can't write an essay overnight. Exam: You have one hour to write an essay.


me: *looks out of window* me: when will my online purchases arrive


fun prank: put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me


“why aren’t you and ___ friends anymore” because fuck them thats why


Things i have time for: - netflix - cute animals - hot showers things i don’t have time for: - your bullshit - school/work


*dips your opinion in salsa and eats it*


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