@mayamanion Profile picture

uncle mom

@mayamanion

subpar mom, shitty waitress, Columbo aficionado https://t.co/V8Yq5kdfIh

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When your coworker is getting married, the whole office is getting married.


My aunt showed up to the wrong funeral. She complained that she didn’t know a single person.


The new girl’s name at work is, Carrigan. She’s named after the lady from Casper, I can’t do this shit anymore.


uncle mom Reposted

You CAN always get what you want, usually long after you've lost interest


A good hostess always asks which hot pocket he or she prefers?


I’m entitling my autobiography, “Fifty Shades of Beige”.


uncle mom Reposted

As soon as the sun begins to darken today, I'm going to bed.


My aunt and uncle were married 38 years, before he passed away. My grandmother murmured, “Told you it wouldn’t last”.


I’m on vacation with my son, it’s day 8. He looked up at me while having lunch and said, “I think we should see other people”.


uncle mom Reposted

I like to tell people how I'm really doing so they stop asking.


uncle mom Reposted

For Valentine's Day, we're going to Costco. Will it be less busy?


“Hey, remember when you were thin and your parents weren’t dead?” Facebook


uncle mom Reposted

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so relied on memory. Came home with two tubs of icecream and a puppy.


I told my therapist I don’t get depressed. She looked at her notes and said “Why not?”.


uncle mom Reposted

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.


uncle mom Reposted

The retirement age should be the age when Jesus died


I wish I was a lesbian. I could find my kids a suitable mother.


I’m not a lesbian, I’m from Vermont.


I always let people pass me in PT Cruisers, they've been through enough.


I have this reoccurring nightmare that I’m on death row and I have to cook my last meal.


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