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Just saw a gal putting on makeup hit a texting guy who then hit a guy eating a McMuffin. It was the fucking Super Bowl of distracted driving
Your smile belongs to you. Share it whenever and with whoever you want.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists.
"Daddy, am I going to die someday?" "No, you're the only immortal being in the entire world. Goodnight, stupid."
"Hey, can you help me change a tire?" Sorry, I don't have any... "Please don't say it" Spare time "I'll walk"
guys named steven that spell it stephen but don't call themselves steffen can go phuck themselves
"Dad, why is the sky blue?" Well, honey, the world is a horrible place filled with kids like you that don't pass algebra & it makes God sad.
I've never realized how many funny/sarcastic accounts there are, they're endless, life is great.
Ugh is there anything worse than unloading the dishwasher. I mean besides like poverty and stuff
What do you mean you're out of Baja Blast http://t.co/5vhxrUdog9
![Once I start tweeting, nothing will be the same [parody account]](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/378800000470817867/7bc6b935551408274bd9a4ed8a1c91b1.jpeg)
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