Just finished some good breakfast at mama loues gotta love 24 hour diners
It's amazing how many beers my roommate goes through when he's not home.
I saved a bunch of money on my Valentines Day by switching to... Single.
People call tomorrow "Valentines Day"...I call it Tuesday .
You know you have best friends when they don't even bother to knock on the door when they come over.
I've always wanted to get in a taxi and yell, "FOLLOW THAT CAR!!"
"Home" in my cell phone's contacts will always dial my parent's landline.
Damn, your mom is MILF...did you smoke a cigarette after you were done breast feeding?
Just ate a chicken wheat wrap in my fridge - 5 days old. It was like eating a damp roll of toilet paper brimming with antique food.
As a #Gemini one of your nightmares is being found out. Most Gemini's fear being exposed to someone they like feeling vulnerable.
I guess the Sharpie marker all over my face is proof that I had a kick ass night.
There should be a law prohibiting dollar stores from selling shit that costs more than a dollar.
Before Shaq retired, they should have made him play a game dressed as Kazaam.
May your weekend be filled with grown-up beverages!
Tonight I plan on only drinking 3 beers... in dog beers.
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