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@ObsessionNumb
@FuckinKillMe
@OhMisterUnicorn
@EntropicalPunch
@miss_bear22
#TwitterTakeover if Musk does buy Twitter and more basket of deplorables flood Twitter with the nuttiest person on the planet. I am Audi 5000GT.
You call it dating; I call it a ‘catch-and-release program’. tomato, tomahta
You’d be amazed at how fast optimism can disintegrate into sarcasm.
my son filled out a health questionnaire and the part where they asked if he had any allergies, he wrote “concussions” so we should be getting a call from Harvard recruiters at any moment now
since we’ve gone full time work from home, i posted my job on monster dot com for $1 less than i make. this will free me up to get another job, which i will again post for $1 less than it pays me. i will do this forever until every person works for me and i make $7.8B annually
Today I was called a pumpkin slut after expressing my love for autumn and honestly it's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
When a cop promises you quality stick time, he’s not talking about sex. I know this now.
I don’t understand how Florida could elect a governor with so little respect for human life.
1991: Never take rides with strangers 2021: Here is an app for taking rides with strangers
Just found out the guy I was into before meeting my husband is now a dietitian. Dodged a real bullet there.
The proof isn't in the pudding. I put the drugs in the pudding. Once they eat that, you can easily extract the "proof" or anything else you need out of them.
Breaking: The people who didn’t care if your kids were gunned down in school, don’t care if your kids contract Covid in school.
If you memorize a couple short poems to recite at people it’s a great way to shut down almost anyone who approaches you. These are my stories. In iambic pentameter.
I absolutely refuse to argue with anyone born after 1985.. you all can’t even write in cursive.
When you think you're crazy, and get on twitter and realize you’re a genius.
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