@evanhoovler Profile picture

Evan Hoovler

@evanhoovler

I write one-liners

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Somewhere there must be a man named Sam Likely who has a lot of trouble getting people to answer his calls


Taking my artisanal teak charcuterie board to the tailgate along with 5 boxes of Lunchables.


Am I crazy, or did it used to be called the Mandala Effect?


I saw a sign outside a house that said "Yard Sale." So I knocked on the door and asked if I could buy an ounce of grass.


If I could learn to impersonate any celebrity, I would learn to impersonate @erikbraa because then I could impersonate EVERY celebrity.


Evan Hoovler Reposted

We are channeling our rage over the Deshaun Watson suspension into a charity fantasy football league. Donate at least $25 to the Cleveland Rape Crisis Center, dm us the receipt, and you can join our 12-team Yahoo charity fantasy league.


Is Imagine Dragons the best children's musicians of all time?


April Fool's Day is the best holiday! .... APRIL FOOL'S! It actually really sucks.


I've got a brand new dance! To the left... to the left... to the left... to the left... to the left... to the left... to the left... to the left... to the left... to the left... to the left... to the left <half the crowd suffocates>


Less than 24 hours left to enter the 11th annual March Madness Evantational! It's free to make your bracket, winner gets a pizza dinner from the locally owned restaurant of their choice #bracket fantasy.espn.com/tournament-cha…


After the past 2 years, I'll celebrate anything new

No matter who wins between the Rams and 49ers, this will be the first Super Bowl without a top 3 seed from either conference since... ever



Evan Hoovler Reposted

If the Rams hold on, and the Bills beat the Chiefs, 2022 will be the first time all four road teams won in the NFL divisional playoffs since... ever


DUI checkpoints ask too many questions. If I ran a DUI checkpoint I would only ask if people wanted some Little Caesar's Pizza. "Yeah I could go for some Little Caesar's right now." "Sir I need you to step outside of the car and put your hands behind your head."


Every birthday candle is a trick birthday candle if you have asthma


"Never gonna make you cry" is nice, but "never gonna say goodbye?" That's just poor manners


I love the slam dunk contest, and there's an extra one this year! Thanks Aaron Rodgers


I just learned that "Roxanne" by The Police was not about someone repairing stoplights. Mind. Blown!


Somewhere in America, there has to be a veterinary clinic that is right next door to a taxidermist


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