Jessi
@detailedpigI didn't unfollow you. I just deleted my twitter account for awhile. Awkward vibes only.
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Actual image of me anytime I have a really challenging poop. Check out Chicken House on Tubi and other places! tubitv.com/movies/1000030…
Omg I can't even squat the bar anymore! Not with good form at least. Getting sick RUINED my gains! >[
"He's the type of mother fucker who neatly folds his condom wrapper." Husband, once again, has such a way with describing people.
Friend: So I started a new career, I'm getting married, and I'm starting up a non-profit. What have you been up to? Me: ... I've been making a rope out of my cat's fur...
"My childhood was pretty rough." NO SHIT! YOU ARE A FUCKING MERMAID!
Is it the cuter the cat, the smellier the shit? Cuz that has been my experience.
Husband said I have the same essence as a bounce house, and I've never felt more seen.
Just remembered the time I wore an army jacket in middle school and someone said they liked it and I said, "Thanks, it's my boyfriend's. He goes to another school."
No one: Me: If you push with your butthole while you're using a bidet, you get an enema.
My psychologist went over into my time with another patient. So I decided to cry in my session so he knows my problems are more important than the fella's before me. I uhhh...may need to talk to a therapist about that.
Bro I've seen 3 dead hawks on the side of the road in the past 3 days. Wtf is going on?
Me: My family has a history of Alzheimer's. Let's see what I can do to prevent/delay it. Google: Meditate for 20 minutes a day. Me: NOT THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!
Have you heard about jazz vampires? For them it’s more about what they don’t do in the shadows
Bro, how do I cry during every Hilary Duff movie but don't cry when my grandma is on hospice? 😑
I can squat 65 lbs for 5 reps now AND bench 50 lbs! I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I FIT THROUGH DOORS ANYMORE!
Brooooooo! I started squatting 16 lbs 1.3 weeks ago, and now I can squat 45 pounds for like 3 sets of 5! I'M GETTING BIG! I'm like a damn kaiju!
This movie is hilarious. Seriously may be too funny because it made my face hurt.
Hey idk if I posted about this yet but if anyone wants to see a movie where I'm one of the main guys of it you can see it here on famous streaming service Tubi: link.tubi.tv/HoYkFupg2xb
When someone tells me they're having a baby my initial reaction is "Someone's pull out game is WEAK!"
Not to brag or anything, but when the doctor asks me to pee in a cup I fill that mother fucker UP!
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