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I lost my job today, guys! But don’t worry… I’m gonna be fine.
Sources: the Dolphins have fired defensive coordinator Josh Boyer after three seasons in that role.
“Kum & Go” is a terrible gas station name… but “Loaf ‘N Jug” might actually be worse!
We’re having an all night revival, baptize me in a bottle of Beam, put Johnny on the vinyl. 🎶
I wonder if God ever sees me standing naked in the bathroom watching TikTok’s for 2 hours after taking a shower.
I want to meet the psycho that eats the boiled eggs from the company kitchen fridge.
There’s still time for someone to tell me they love me before Valentines.
That moment when you’re laying in bed feeling happy with your day, then your brain goes…“hey, before you go to sleep, I just want you to remember how embarrassing your snapchat name is.”
Back to the computer! Omg, I’m such a nerd. Let’s see if I have any new comments!
I’m so cold, I don’t think it’s possible for my nipples to get any harder.
I’ve been trying to start tweeting more… but maybe I shouldn’t even be tweeting at all. What if I’m not good at it?
My next holiday is February 15, when all the Valentines Day candy goes on sale.
I’m not a crying man… but if you turn on any episode of This Is Us… and I’m sobbing.
I used to hate going to restaurants alone… now I prefer it. I can eat my French toast in peace.
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