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I wish I could just plug in Matrix style and download every pun ever told so I won't do the goofy chuckle whenever I haven't heard one.
When you've had enough drinks to start assessing your most novel ideas about bowling. https://t.co/aTTSzHdbk4
I just learned about the word "postjudiced". Seeing how I always know best, it feels like I got my hands on kryptonite.
I mostly don't worry about cell phone radiation but when I do it kinda gets to me in a huge wave of paranoia. Just thougt I'd share that.
The one thing egg nog enthusiasts, magicians, DEA agents, and satanists can agree on is the turtleneck.
I just dropped my phone and it tried to call my mom. To tell on me I can only assume.
Don't be upset now, but you should know I've faked every single sarcasm. It's not you, it's me.
I used to have a hard time focusing on the present. I still do but I also used to.
Sarah Palin must have just assumed we'd already tweeted everything we can possibly tweet about her a long time ago. She was wrong.
"OK, duck face products. Let's think outside the box. Ideas?" "Well, I got this dog that I hate..." https://t.co/c3Kk5inPwy
I got Uber on my phone now. Guess you could say I'm a bit of a prepper.
Trying to solve the case of the lost sneeze but clues are few and far between.
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