KangaRufio
@TopangarooDo you ever wonder why your life is so hard, and then you're like "Oh, that's right. I'm an idiot"?
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What if Rob Lowe robbed Lowes? Just imagine the crazy headlines. They'd probably say something like... "Rob Lowe Robs Lowes"
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] "why isn't he wearing a shirt" we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today! my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ me: who
Me: We’re expecting a hard frost tonight Robert Frost: *kicks in door* I’ve got miles to go before I sleep, motherfucker
“Alexa, play Dave Matthews Band” Alexa: “I’ll add tampons to your shopping list”
How many movies are actually kung-fu movies, but we don't know it because the characters never have to use it?
turning my hat backwards before going down on my wife
robber: give me your wallet me: do your thing patricia girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there [guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Fun fact: the medals of this year's Olympics are filled with two moderna vaccines and an eight ball.
me: [beastie boys voice] ahh can't stand it. i wanna sandwich, phily cheesesteak is what I'll take subway employee: sir, please stop yelling
Worth it even for a few mins
What happens at a meeting of the minds behind some of @nbcsnl's funniest sketches? Back in 1994, @CindyCrawford went to dinner with #SNL greats @AdamSandler, @DavidSpade, Chris Farley, and @MrTimHerlihy, and learned they have just as much fun after the cameras stop rolling 😂❤️
uptown mouse she’s been livin’ in her swiss cheese house
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* "we will...we will..miss you"
Tom: Hi Me: Hey Tom, you old son of a bitch, you old SOB, you aged illegimate offspring of a female cur, you bastard whoreson Tom: So my mom's been pretty sick Me: Oh no, please give Barbara my best
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Who to follow
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I LIKE CHIPS
@aaronup -
Drunk Dreamer
@ElgatoEsmio -
Karanado
@thistletat13 -
miss ☆ moi
@PrincessSlaya3 -
Christina, mother of spiders ✊🦇👻🤘🐍
@Aikiwomannc -
Jim Tozzi
@specialsquid -
David's Soul
@david_tull -
Hawkeye
@Hawkeye0110 -
Subterranean Homesick Alien
@FrankCurtisB -
Henry 3000
@Henry_3000 -
Alex Guerin
@hamspamtymaam -
Rambo
@DJ_Rambo_NZ -
Chris P Bacon
@gitson_shiggles -
your dad
@dixinormus10 -
Sparky
@crunchenhanced
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