Honey
@SnickerFlitsUnabashedly audacious, sarcastically lighthearted, anonymously exclusive, serial eye-roller... https://t.co/xl98ktNdQw
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Me, frantically waving at husband five feet away to help me carry in the groceries. Husband: Oh, I didn’t see you. Me, changing into PJ’s while husband is sound asleep. Husband: I saw your boobies.
I’m considering polygamy so someone else can answer my husband’s questions mid-movie.
It's important to realize when it’s time to fuck off.
Let’s go in half and half on a whole new perspective.
I mow my own lawn, open my own pickle jars, give myself mutiple orgasms and have a credit score of 822, what was it you had to offer again?
*takes deep breath *stretches Today feels like a good day to be an asshole.
My 3-year-old cut a huge chunk out of her hair. Nobody knows when or how. My wife grilled her about it, but she said nothing. She knows her rights.
Wife: *comes home with six shopping bags full of stuff* Me: What did you do?! Wife: Stimulated the economy.
Most people only want you to see what they appear to be, not what they really are.
When you stop asking questions to stop hearing lies.
I just want to live in a world where I don’t have to say “What the fuck is wrong with people?” every time I leave my house.
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