RubMor
@QBrubyFather of 4. Husband to an introvert. This is my social life now.
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How to run a $1 billion company 1) Pay $44 billion for an $8 billion company 2) wait 3 weeks
I'm really enjoying this drive through the desert. There's so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
As Americans we're so conditioned to the importance of work in our lives that we can't fathom how a cartoon dog is capable of spending so much time with his children while still earning a stable living
Love Bluey… still trying to figure out what dad does for a living
A total waste of a quarter of my day
the fullcast that's coming out tomorrow is one of the more confusing ones i've participated in, which, yeah, i know.
the fullcast that's coming out tomorrow is one of the more confusing ones i've participated in, which, yeah, i know.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
1 month before 1st baby born: -Name picked -Room decorated -Full wardrobe -Diapers stocked -Carseat installed 1 months before 4th baby born: -Eh, we'll figure it out
every friday is pizza friday for dinner in our house. i asked the boys to text me what 2 large pizzas they wanted. 9 texted me, "we want 1 half cheese and half pepperoni and the other half cheese, half pepperoni". i said ok 1 pep and 1 cheese. "no". now we're arguing.
I can’t believe 2 lost his singing elephant tomorrow.
You were either that guy who thought every woman who was nice to you was in love with you or that guy who was oblivious to every obvious signal. There was no middle ground.
Me: I made a sex playlist Wife: this is just the Mario music where it speeds up and gets panicky Me: *panicky* we have 100 seconds
on the 12th day of christmas my kids can’t seem to find 12 lego pieces 11 broken crayons 10 random socks 9 puzzle pieces 8 bouncy balls 7 board game pieces 6 library books 5 marker caaaps 4 play-doh tops 3 homework papers 2 tiny gloves and the remote to the damn tv
hard to believe there was once a time where they’d send a big yellow book to everyone’s house listing yours and everyone else’s assassination coordinates
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
My Mom: how are the kids? Me: I just threatened to take away Christmas and it’s not even Thanksgiving.
My kids spent the night at grandma’s and this morning my oldest said to my mother-in-law, “your son and his wife don’t like to get up before the sun rises.” YOUR SON AND HIS WIFE. Parents. We are his parents.
"We couldn't have anticipated this happening" says Twitter about the thing everyone warned them would happen
Twitter Pauses $8 Subscription Program After Fake Accounts Proliferate bloomberg.com/news/articles/…
For a supposed genius, his idea of cyber security is "C'mon guys, knock it off"
United States Trends
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Who to follow
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Cesspool
@of_a_genepool -
Adam
@BrosefWtheMosef -
Maybe Pile
@MaybePileJokes -
Trash Pandamonium Contest
@ContestThursday -
FreeRangeMattress
@free_mattress -
A Sketchy Chicken (PARODY not an actual chicken)
@goodowens -
Sprinkles the clown 🇨🇦
@fozzie4prez -
Frank Chips
@dad_chips -
(top .01% deleted at 88K) 🦦 Jackothy 🌊 6'0''
@TommySnowFall -
Burgermoji™ 🍔
@onefatman -
anton lestrange
@huge_mclarge -
Lock Wilford
@LockWilford -
3 Bat Ghosts 👻
@BatHawkDown -
ₙ̶!̶ₚ̶ˣ̶ⁿ̶ɹ̶ ̶ʎ̶ʇ̶ˣ̶ǝ̶ʇ̶
@TextyRuxpin -
Starring Michelle 💚
@starringmichell
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