Toddler Nonsense
@NonsenseToddlerAmateur dad of a five-year-old ass hat and ten-year-old teenage daughter.
Similar User
@UnexpectedSAHM
@SpringByrum
@villarosa100581
@boldtruthmama
@OhioMomoftwo
@momlikesfire
Interviewer: How well do you deal with stressful situations? Me: I have two kids. One is a toddler. Interviewer: Are you a multitasker? Me: I have two kids. Interviewer: how do you feel about working long hours? Me: Are you even listening to me? #dadlife #parenting
Just cleaned a skillet that looked like it was covered in cicada skins. Then I remembered that @losey_dana tried cooking eggs.
This dunk right here… insane 👀🤯 #NBAAAllStar #AaronGordon #SlamDunk
Wow. That’s beautiful.
"Be a first rate version of yourself, instead of a second rate version of someone else." - Judy Garland That's quite good advice.
Wife: "Why do you have so many shoes in the mudroom?" Me: "It's a mudroom. That's where you take off shoes." Wife: "You don't need 3 pair there." Me: "Um. You have 5 pair there." Wife: "Yes but, yours are so big."
Sometimes, parenting feels a lot like trying to play Skyrim while overencumbered. #Xbox
Me (having to get ready for a school function): I hate kids. Wife: Excuse me?! Me: OK, I hate *OUR* kids. Wife: Better.
Girl child turned 11 yesterday. The boy: Dad, how old are you? Me: I'm 45 Boy: And Mace (our dog) is 10? Me: Yes Boy: Well, you and mom are gonna die soon cuz you're old. I'm not gonna die soon cuz I have to go through all the years. He's not totally wrong, but... Damn.
Alright #Parents, got a question for ya. What song can you play for your kids that instantly gets their attention, and maybe even gets them singing? For me, it's "Blue on Black" by @ffdp The boy belts it out like he wrote it. 😁
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans. Me: but I’ve had them forever. Wife: exactly! Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc. Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls. Me: you’re welcome? Wife: no.
Tonight, the boy told @losey_dana that I'm as big as a medium size giraffe. Not the greatest description ever, but I guess I should be stoked he didn't say full size hippo. In a related story, I may apply to live in the new giraffe habitat at the @SanAntonioZoo
“Every two weeks, my wife goes out of town. And every two weeks you and I play this little game.” Me, to the airport parking security guy saying I can’t wait in the passenger pickup area and that I have take my car on yet another lap around the airport.
So, the boy has demoted his favorite cereal mascot to Commander Crunch. Personally, I prefer it over Cap'n.
If I was on The Bachelor, I’d bang every one of these girls. Wife: Just finish your corn dog hun.
This weekend, I was listening to some music with the boy. Me: Your son loves music. He's all about the classics. Wife: Gravity Kills and Backstreet Boys aren't "the classics." Me: I beg to differ. Wife: I beg to divorce. Me:What? Wife: what
The boy is playing Roblox on my Xbox One. He is jumping around from platform to platform. Me: What are you doing? Boy: It's called parkour, bro. I just got "frat boyed" by a five year old.
This year, instead of making resolutions to cut something out of my life or limit myself, I have resolved to add more. More time with the kids, more patience, and to strive to put more positivity into the world. So far, so good. Happy #NewYear to everyone!
11: I wanna go use my gift cards today Me: today’s a holiday, nobody’s open Hubs: all the stores & restaurants are open today M: (whispers to hubs) are you fuc**** stupid 11: see, I wanna go M: Since Dad says they’re all open, he’s gna take you H: 😳 M: Enjoy 😁
Just set up my new Christmas present! Cap'n Crunch on the left, cat food on the right. How long until the kids figure it out?
United States Trends
- 1. $DCARS 5.930 posts
- 2. Africa 234 B posts
- 3. #tomatojay 1.837 posts
- 4. North Carolina 122 B posts
- 5. South Korea 849 B posts
- 6. #GivingTuesday 57,5 B posts
- 7. #Dreamcars 1.781 posts
- 8. Snow Mexicans 4.851 posts
- 9. #alieninvasion 10,9 B posts
- 10. Mayor Adams 35 B posts
- 11. Matterhorn 1.037 posts
- 12. Richard Fowler N/A
- 13. #TalentWon 39,7 B posts
- 14. Lindsey 17,9 B posts
- 15. Kirk Campbell N/A
- 16. Eric Adams 35,4 B posts
- 17. Lopetegui 5.963 posts
- 18. Daniel Penny 156 B posts
- 19. Neuer 15,4 B posts
- 20. Cooling 5.048 posts
Something went wrong.
Something went wrong.