@NedPetrie Profile picture

Ned Petrie

@NedPetrie

Toronto Comedian and Enthusiast. @Doomlands | Ollie's Pack | Doomsday Bros | Gary & His Demons | Cyberchase | @BiteOnMondo | @CBCComedy | @TheBeaverton |

Joined March 2010
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And you chumps were telling me it was time to give my dead salmon hat to Goodwill.

NedPetrie's tweet image. And you chumps were telling me it was time to give my dead salmon hat to Goodwill.

Yo Homes, smell ya later!

NedPetrie's tweet image. Yo Homes, smell ya later!

PARK RANGERS TALKING TO THE FAMILY OF THE MISSING HIKER: 'The bad news is we never found your husband. But on the bright side...'

NedPetrie's tweet image. PARK RANGERS TALKING TO THE FAMILY OF THE MISSING HIKER:

'The bad news is we never found your husband. But on the bright side...'

It's a simple question, yet none of the so-called "experts" can give us a straight answer

NedPetrie's tweet image. It's a simple question, yet none of the so-called "experts" can give us a straight answer

They hate me cuz they ain't me

NedPetrie's tweet image. They hate me cuz they ain't me

DO YOUR BIT, YOU SKATE-LESS JERKS!

NedPetrie's tweet image. DO YOUR BIT, YOU SKATE-LESS JERKS!

HR Giger came up with all the Alien designs, but I was the one that said they should be covered in goo


This explains why my grandpa always said he stopped drinking wine "when they took the people out and ruined the flavor".

NedPetrie's tweet image. This explains why my grandpa always said he stopped drinking wine "when they took the people out and ruined the flavor".

A lot going on here

NedPetrie's tweet image. A lot going on here

Who let my 7 month old niece get a Quora account?

NedPetrie's tweet image. Who let my 7 month old niece get a Quora account?

'Well, you seem dedicated and your resume says you have music industry experience. One last question before we make an offer: Can you promise not to murder her?' '...' 'Did you hear the question?' 'I did. I just...well, *promise* is a strong word...'

NedPetrie's tweet image. 'Well, you seem dedicated and your resume says you have music industry experience. One last question before we make an offer: Can you promise not to murder her?'
'...'
'Did you hear the question?'
'I did. I just...well, *promise* is a strong word...'

(On the phone with the logo designer) 'I hate to keep going back and forth on this, but the pierogi still isn't terrified enough. We don't want to see any relief on his face. Like, he wins - but the knife and fork don't care about the race. As soon as they catch up, he's DEAD.'

NedPetrie's tweet image. (On the phone with the logo designer) 'I hate to keep going back and forth on this, but the pierogi still isn't terrified enough. We don't want to see any relief on his face. Like, he wins - but the knife and fork don't care about the race. As soon as they catch up, he's DEAD.'

On behalf of the nation's kooks, I'm withholding my endorsement until we know the worm's position on wokeness

NedPetrie's tweet image. On behalf of the nation's kooks, I'm withholding my endorsement until we know the worm's position on wokeness

ME, WATCHING A DISS TRACK BATTLE FROM THE OUTSIDE: Haha. Hell yeah! Everything about this great! ME, IF SOMEONE EVER MADE A DISS TRACK ABOUT ME: 😞


Back in my day, "quitting" meant something different than "doing the tasks of a given job to the expected standards"

NedPetrie's tweet image. Back in my day, "quitting" meant something different than "doing the tasks of a given job to the expected standards"

Don't even talk to me unless your cat has a saxophone head

NedPetrie's tweet image. Don't even talk to me unless your cat has a saxophone head

They also reportedly asked to find out if Jeremy *like* likes them

NedPetrie's tweet image. They also reportedly asked to find out if Jeremy *like* likes them

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