@MsKelstar Profile picture

Kelly Archer

@MsKelstar

Writer. Horror film fan. Fox appreciator. Occasional blogger. Would go out tonight but I haven't got a stitch to wear. All views my own.

Joined April 2013
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It's Clint feckin' Boon! The expression on my face is an attempt to stop myself from singing the entire lyrics of Saturn 5 in his lughole! #boonarmy #starshapedclub #inspiralcarpets

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I swear I only watch Channel 4 News for @krishgm's side eye 🤣


At the risk of sounding like an old git, can someone explain to me the (mainly) millennial/Gen Z thing of having to carry water with you at ALL times? Do y'all think you're suddenly gonna get marooned on a desert island?


On the hottest day of the year so far, I shall be mostly sitting in a shady room reading this. That's just how I kohl! 💀#oldgoth

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Earlier while I was weeding, three bumblebees came over to say hello and one landed on me. Took this to mean I have positive bee energy, but could equally have been them going 'oi leave our weeds alone, you bastard!'


Earlier in @Surbiton I met a friendly English bulldog called Lola. In return for a chin scratch she enthusiastically slobbered all over my trousers. I counted this as a win.


If I say a dog is a cat, that doesn't make it one. Similarly, saying something blatantly racist and then claiming it's not racist...well you see where I'm going here. Hope that clears things up, you moronic, rich cockwomble. #DianneAbbott #FrankHester


Truth.

There are many tough blows and hard knocks in life, many incidents that derail your confidence, but have you ever made someone a cup of tea and they don’t drink it? You go to collect the mug to find they’ve had one sip and left the rest. The crippling self-doubt that ensues.…



One of my favourite lines

"Lord Percy, it's up to you. Either you can shut up, or you can have your head cut off?" #RoyaltyWeek #Blackadder

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Finally watched Barbie and Oppenheimer. Feel completely caught up on the cultural zeitgeist, albeit of 2023. Give me another couple of years and I'll catch up on 2024.


It's rainy and grimy in London today. Here is a list of ill-advised footwear I have seen: Box-fresh white trainers Beige suede moccasins Velvet ballet pumps People of London, for all that is holy just look out of the window before leaving the house!


Tigers, terrible for holding grudges!

In 1997, in Russia, a poacher shot and wounded a tiger and stole part of its recent kill. The tiger later found the cabin that the poacher was living in and then waited at least 12 entire hours for the poacher to come home. The tiger then killed and ate the man upon his return.

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This is so sad. Wonderful man. Go well Benjamin.😢


Have the rona. Feel like death. Please send funny animal videos before it's too late 😩


It was introvert paradise.

I miss lockdown. Not having to go to work, not worrying about where kids were or if they were safe. Sitting about watching TV eating and drinking whatever and not having to socialise with people you can't be arsed with.



At the hairdressers earlier: - Have you been watching I'm a Celebrity? - No. - Why? - Not really my thing. - Strictly? - I'm gonna stop you there, I don't watch any reality tv. - You don't watch ANY reality tv??!! - I haven't just said I don't breathe any oxygen! Shocked silence.


I see a direct correlation between right-wing populists and terrible hair. Trump, Wilders, Milei...all look like something crawled onto their head and died.


Just been out for dinner with some academics in the field of mental health. The secret to good mental health: blueberries, coffee (decaf unf) and sex. I will await lots of 'one out of three's not bad' comments.


It all kicked off in #Surbiton earlier. A police helicopter went over, then two police cars with six officers turned up to all to take away one boy who looked about 12. Unless that kid has robbed the crown jewels I'm gonna call that overkill!


To the sex workers who keep inexplicably following me on here. Girls, I get that everyone's gotta make a living but I'm a middle-aged, hetro, woman whose evening plans usually involve eating cheese. I'm not your target market.


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