Things Matson Says™
@MatsonSaysThis is a sarcasm free zone.
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(S): Did you know they're making a movie about Cocaine Bear? (M): Please tell me it's the next Paddington movie. Paddington 3: Cocaine Bear.
(S): Can you light this bunsen burner? (M): I'll light your fire. In a professional way.
How many of your other teachers teach so hard that they sweat this much?
My watch continues to taunt me. It always tells me "great workout," after I write on the board for a few minutes. Now it's decided that a few minutes of panic is also a "great workout."
You're one of the nicest people I know. I told your friends that you're so nice, it seems impossible that anyone wouldn't like you. They told me there's ONE person. I need to find that person because they're the only one who might understand my rage right now.
This stuff is hard. I know you're frustrated, but I know you can handle it. So when you go home tonight to complain about me, make sure to tell your parents, "Mr. Matson is such an asshole because he believes in me."
(S): Can I borrow your scissors? (M): Yes, but you have to promise not to stab anyone. (S): Why? (M): My fingerprints are on it. (S): No, why would I stab someone? (M): Look, that's obviously not my main concern here.
(S): You learn something new every day! (M): Not me. I'm getting dumber. I unlearn something old every day.
Watch out in this problem. It doesn't have a trap. It has a hurdle. Not a hurdle like you (name). You're more of a millstone. Around my neck.
(S): You made my list of top ten teachers this year. (M): You only have eight teachers. (S): Exactly!
If you're wondering what the holdup is, I'm busy with my other full time job - Logging in.
If this keeps up, I may need to do some emotional support punching.
M (toward peer tutors): you can hide my sword to keep me from falling on it
Stop that. I'm being creepy in a professional way. You're just being creepy.
S: So you collect old cars and belt buckles? What else do you collect. M: It doesn't matter. After two or three collections, let's just call it what it is- hoarding.
If I do that, it would be impressive, but as usual, no one would be impressed.
(entropy) Don't worry, the universe loves you. To death. Because you ruin everything.
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