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I am the way I am because I ingested a lot of lip smackers in my earlier days
after shopping for months i can say all "wedding guest" dresses fall into one of the following categories: -great dress but not the right vibe for this wedding -what kind of animal would wear this to any wedding anywhere -extremely cute, absolutely perfect, only comes in white
alright who put fuckin Hellen Keller in charge of the apple weather app?
If you’ve never experienced vertigo, it’s like you just got off the starship 3000 at the Prov fair, that feeling constantly
I don't want to work 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday I want to lie on a rock in the sun like a lizard
Avacados need to be treated for ED , cause they never stAY HARD FFS
My mom thinks I need an X Ray but how do I tell the doctor I injured my elbow in a drunken roller skating incident
“once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like “when the Leafs win the Stanley Cup”
my hobbies include cracking my back and that’s literally it
Netflix: hey! :) we added a new series we think you’d really like! Me: aww, I’ll watch the Walking Dead again thanks though :)))
A relationship should be 50/50, I treat her like a goddess and she sees me as her second favorite person behind Harry Styles
if u have the mental capacity to customize ur whole home screen i can’t relate to u on any level
If you ever see me looking lost in thought, just know I’m not. My brain is singing “auto depot auto depot when you’re buyin a caaaar”
The worst part of having big tits is that they’re heavy. The best part is literally everything else
If you pay money to make your truck sound louder than it should, you’re an idiot. Sorry I don’t make the rules
the sexual tension between me and the drivers license i still don’t have
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