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If a girl refers to another girl as an “icon” you can go ahead and assume that girl dresses goofy as hell
“What a dumbass”- me reading a story about someone crashing their car while texting and driving, as I’m texting and driving
I was there for the kiss
I don’t consider myself gay but I’ve also never met Tom Hardy so kinda an open book still
The whole party should be in jail. Who uses bumpers as an adult?
Who knew that living in the early stages of Idiocracy was gonna be so fun? Hulk Hogan for house speaker, why not, let’s get fuckin nuts in USA
Never fully confident after putting shoes on my kid that I didn’t snap one of his toes
Jaywalking should be more enforced. I’m trying to text and drive, don’t have time to pay attention to humans stepping in my path
“Sorry, I been incarcerated for a minute” - lady in a gas station looking for Coca Cola. Don’t know what you got until it’s gone
Car broke down and was robbed while on the side of the interstate. Some homeless person took my car seat but surprisingly not my work boots
Love waking up just early enough before with that I can swing through McDonald’s and eat so much food I’m physically sick for an hour. Genius move
I heard cancer is about to release a book called “if I did it”
It’s amazing that I’ve spent most of my life listening obsessively to music and I still hear new riffs and phrases I love. Surely one of the best parts of life
This is great
Absolutely shocked that bacon mac n cheese from the truck stop hurt my stomach
Why does it take a pharmacy so long to get medication off a shelf? Why are they dressed like doctors?
Merry Christmas from Castle Cornette to all my friends and fans! If you don't like me bah fucking humbug! #lumpofcoal
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