Ian Bardenstein
@IBardensteinWriting in @NewYorker, @slate, @mcsweeneys, @SlackjawHumor, @PointsinCase, and on the Semantic Chicken Substack
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In my latest essay for Slate, a sleep tracking ring gaslights me
The only thing worse than sleeping terribly is sleeping terribly and being assured that you actually slept quite well. slate.trib.al/mwp4PM9
If you have experienced how hard it is to find the actual recipe on a recipe blog, my most recent New Yorker piece is for you
A guide to saving someone from choking, written by an expert blogger. nyer.cm/9pNpoxq
Forget fishing - I bonded with my father-in-law at the Proud Boys trial. And then I wrote about it for Slate. slate.com/comments/human…
My latest essay in @Slate is for anyone who, like me, has googled things like "why is my baby fussy" or "how to soothe fussy baby." Thanks @rebeccaonion for the opportunity and the edits!
“Fussy” is an odd way to describe babies. Because they’re, well, babies. slate.trib.al/2rTpAPO
"Prime your child for a career in data analytics with number blocks, measuring cups, and graphs depicting their impact on your sleep quality and relationship satisfaction." My new humor piece (with @EugeniaViti) for new parents is live in The New Yorker.
Try decorating your nursery with smiling jellyfish, dolphins, and turtles, so you’ll be the only one in the room who’s concerned about drowning. nyer.cm/poHWrwY
Semantic Chicken: White, male...snacker? ianbardenstein.substack.com/p/white-malesn…
If you wear camo in a non-forest setting, should it really be called camo?
Censored versions of songs would be much better if they replaced each explicit word with the name of a vegetable
Everything I know about breathwork I learned from Darth Vader
My latest for @Slate is live! Thanks to @IsabelleKohn_ for the opportunity and the wise edits
There's nothing that 24 hours alone in the woods can't cure, right? ... Right?! slate.trib.al/MLWjbhP
Were the Impressionists artistic visionaries? Their paintings suggest they were just nearsighted
Pigeons could really improve their public perception by rebranding as "urban doves"
Saw an article on a Philly news site called "39 cheesesteaks to eat before you die." Pretty sure that many cheesesteaks over any time period is a lethal dose - why not call it "39 cheesesteaks to eat, then die from"?
When two starfish embrace, is it considered a hug or a high five?
It's not that I love skinny jeans - I just want jeans that look regular on my skinny legs
Excited to share my first essay in @Slate about the unusual way my partner and I determined our baby's last name. Many thanks to @rebeccaonion for the opportunity and her keen editorial guidance!
We decided hybrid last names were like dogs—we’d rather admire other people’s than have one ourselves. slate.trib.al/TfrG55X
God and the internet have quite a bit in common in my latest piece for @SlackjawHumor: medium.com/slackjaw/quiz-…
I got a piece of junk mail addressed to “Current Resident or Current Resident.” I guess it was for me after all
“Good blood, fast service.” I am the restaurant being reviewed in my latest for @PointsinCase Do I have what it takes to earn five stars? pointsincase.com/articles/mosqu…
For those who are as haunted as I am by the similarities between babies and burritos, read my latest in @SlackjawHumor
Antithetical to a good night of sleep. (by @IBardenstein) medium.com/slackjaw/baby-…
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