George Carlin
@GeorgeCarlin18the only man who can change your train of thought on a daily basis in 140 characters or less.
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I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America you get a front row seat.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out AND GET MORE STUFF
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view
SHIT. PISS. FUCK. CUNT. COCKSUCKER. MOTHERFUCKER. TITS. #7DIRTYWORDS
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think
I'll bet you anything 10 times outta 10 Nicky, Vinny, and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle, and Tucker!
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