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@jaimescribano
@ovocarti
@ppppokerfaceeee
@SascoGh11
To get the best results when preparing a meal for vegetarian guests, promptly ask them to leave and enjoy your steak in front of the TV
If within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone they tell you they are vegan and have a gluten allergy, you've wasted 5 minutes.
Vegans are vegans so they can tell other people that they are vegans.
Another Kentucky Derby and another year with no horse named Celine Dion.
I think it's safe to say that most people born in the 80's lost their virginity on a similar looking couch.
I threw away my Devon Sawa poster today because he's 36. And so am I.
Watching mothers as they yell at their kids at the grocery store is a good stress reliever.
Sometimes I like to pretend I'm really funny and tweet about it. Sometimes I'm lonely and twitter is a dark cold place.
"Laurie got offended when I used the word "puke", but to me that's what her dinner tasted like"-#jackhandy
"It takes a big man to cry it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man"-#jackhandy
on my signal, boys [kicks door open] HELLO WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN PURCHASING SAFER LOCKS
If the crew lookin for flight 370 was half as good as the CSI Miami team, it would have been found 30 min in using DNA from the pilots semen
Look at a girl when she comes out of the bathroom at a bar and know that that will be the best she will look. It's all downhill from there.
And here I was thinking my Winnie the Pooh tattoo is one-of-a-kind. Thanks for the reality check @WaltDisneyWorld
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