Maya Klausner
@CheeseHarlotI do comedy to pay the bills but waiting tables is my passion. Quesadillas control me. IG: @Selfiepreservation for more funnies/boobs 🧀🦄🌈
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The song “Mambo No. 5” but instead of girls it’s varieties of cheese.
Every ad on November 1st: The holiday season is upon us, sweaters and hot cocoa and Jack Frost Every ad on November 15th: Time to start working on that summer body— it’s nearly spring!
If you’re in a bodega and the entire Taylor Swift album isn’t playing on loop are you even in a bodega?
I really need to lose weight. But not because I’m vain or anything. I just can’t afford to buy new pants.
New Yorkers: “Omg we had a level 4 earthquake!!! That was so crazy!!!” Californians: “Stfu…that’s our snooze button.”
Motivational speaker: “What gets you out of bed in the morning?!!” Me: “breakfast”
If you want to catch me in a raw, vulnerable state you don’t need to try to connect with me on a deep, emotional level. You just need to be around when I don’t have contacts in and I’m looking for my glasses.
Now that Christmas is over I can start focusing on being depressed for New Years.
I’m “I cough and then I can’t move my neck for three days” years old
There’s a chance you might be spending too much time with your cat if you have loose treats in your pajama pants pockets
Simpler times 💙 Side note: The first pic reminds me of when I was little living w my dad and brother and I wanted to be like them so I attempted to pee standing up. Spoiler alert: I peed all over myself
Yes there are blond Jews Yes there are blue eyed Jews Yes there are black Jews Yes there are secular Jews Yes there are poor Jews Yes there are Jews who don’t look/talk like Woody Allen Yes there are unsuccessful Jews Yes there are Palestinian Jews Jews are people.
If Jews control the weather then how do you explain humidity ? Have you seen our hair ??
You might be spending too much time with your cat when you both gain and lose weight during the same seasons.
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