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Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?
Bill Cosby loves pudding... Pudding his dick where it don't belong.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.
I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
*Bumps into your crush* You: Oh, I'm sorry... Almost fell in love right there.
Boy: You remind me of my pinky toe Girl: Why? Boy: Cause I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Saying you are dumped but we can still be friends is like saying the dog died but let's take it for a walk anyway.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Was Barry White? Was Clint Black? Was George Strait? Was Marvin Gay? Sure made Stevie Wonder!
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Sometimes... when you cry ... no one sees your tears... sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile... But fart just one...
When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts
Last night I had a dream that I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.
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