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Got unmatched on tinder cos a bird said she has sweetcorn on pizza, so I asked her if she was hurt as a child. There’s a reason I’m single
When your mate Manuel asks what drink you want for the 3rd time.
Today’s conclusions, Mourinho can fuck off, Pogba can fuck off, United are ruining my life and we paid 65 million for a black Tom Cleverley #MUFC
Listen up you fat cunt I'd put them lot back in that cave if it meant we could go into World Cup final
England's footballers are not 'heroes'. They've restored some pride to the team & unified the country with their conduct on & off the pitch. But there was nothing 'heroic' about last night's defeat. The cave divers who risked their lives to rescue those Thai kids are heroes.
Imagine laughing at England getting knocked out in the semi’s of a competition you can’t even qualify for, Scottish/Welsh people are fucking weird
Redownloading twitter and getting bombarded with love island tweets
David Silva played a pivotal part in the greatest PL team of all time knowing his new born son might pass at any time. Mo Salah hurt his shoulder, won nothing, and is all of a sudden the bravest footballer on the planet. Aight.
did it knock ur trousers of aswell u fucking weirdo🤧🤧 jeezo
Apparently I'm the oldest tennis player with a #1️⃣ ranking. Somebody might have mentioned that to me already but I had a hard time hearing 👴🏻
When Caitlyn Jenner laugh to hard https://t.co/79KOauOdTu
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident Me: say no more [Later] Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Your main target asks you to come round and 'watch a DVD'.. #ValentinesTransferDeadlineDay
Robert Lewandowski scored 5 goals in 9 minutes.
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