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Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. - Mitch Hedberg
Hammerhead sharks look too much like vacuum cleaners for me to take them seriously.
Who else hid in clothes racks at stores when they were little?
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
"Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it." - Maya Angelou
There is a fine line between tan, & looking like you rolled in a bag of Doritos.
I can always make room in my stomach for the dessert no matter how full I am.
Showers: I never want to get in and I never want to get out.
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.- Rodney Dangerfield
Fact: More people would rather go to Hogwarts than Harvard.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. -Bill Cosby
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
That awkward moment when you're trying not to look when someone is staring at you.
When the whole class is laughing and you're just sitting there like "what's so funny?"
everyone can kill 2 birds with one stone, just throw it twice
If you have to keep wondering where you stand with someone, perhaps it's time to stop standing and start walking.
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