@pastywaste Profile picture

ewan

@pastywaste

sir michael pain

Joined September 2018
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ewan Reposted

my wife frodo baggins 🤝 leaving town with a tall bearded man and throwing their ring into a volcano


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This is the greatest thing I have found today


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I'm OK at yoga, but still haven’t mastered the “helicopter flying out of my vag” pose.


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Hi I'm Stevie Wonder and you're watching the Disney channel:


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Welcome to Boatanicals! 💐🌸🐍

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“Trust the process” The process:


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Vibrators: -know how to please -comes with clear instructions -doesnt tell me to smile -wont make me listen to their slam poetry Men: -sometimes funny -has never died inside of me


ewan Reposted

Driving lessons are so weird like you climb into a metal box with a divorced man and he teaches you not to kill anyone


ewan Reposted

me: knock knock friend: who's there me: th- jk rowling: they just fucking shit themselves whenever like it was nothing

Hogwarts didn't always have bathrooms. Before adopting Muggle plumbing methods in the eighteenth century, witches and wizards simply relieved themselves wherever they stood, and vanished the evidence. #NationalTriviaDay



ewan Reposted

If gingerbread are men then how come they haven't punched a hole in my drywall?


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Anatomy has always been my Achilles' taint.


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The time has come for Theresa May to lip sync for her life


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Who you gonna call?

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ewan Reposted

instead of making "i want to die" jokes try making "it is impossible for me to die" jokes. not only is it funnier to think you are immortal, but it also helps your mental state from not thinking about death. become God


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