Keith Pain
@keithpainMagician, Puppeteer, Actor, Associate of the inner Magic circle , Punch and Judy Fellowship, Equity.
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It's true that exercise helps with decision making… I went for a run this morning and decided never to do that again!
The man that invented the Yo-Yo died yesterday… He was lowered into his grave 15 times!
I used to think drinking was bad for me... So I gave up thinking!
4 years since we lost you buddy, doesn’t get easier but I hope I’m doing you proud. Together we were okay, miss you pal ❤️
As I was sitting drinking my morning cup of tea in my slippers, I thought to myself... I really must wash some cups!
Just thought I'd nip over to check on the old lady over the road, and fair play to her at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch. She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer. I'll pop back next year
My wife said she's going to leave me because of my karaoke obsession… I said, "Fine, go on and go, walk out the door, turn around now, you're not welcome any more..."
My friend decided to get a face tattoo of his favourite Star Wars character… You should have seen the Luke on his face!
To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon and use the box it came in!
Ahead of next year's Ghost Stories tour - you can watch the film on BBC2 this Friday or on @PrimeVideo Trust us, the film will not spoil the play for you. There are plenty of different twists and screams waiting for you! Are you brave enough to book? ghoststoriesplay.com
I used to wonder about people who paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards!
Studies show that cows produce more milk when farmers talk to them… It's a case of in one ear and out the udder!
Absolutely thrilled to be able to share this news. See you there.
🚨CAST ANNOUNCEMENT🚨 @andynyman, @marcantolin, @harrymorrison & @JoannaWoodward lead THE PRODUCERS🎭 this Winter. 📅 Tue 26 Nov 2024 - Sat 1 Mar 2025 🎟️ Tickets on General Sale 9 Sep More info⬇️ menierchocolatefactory.com/tickets/the-pr…
I am so upset. I ordered a bird box for nuthatches and a dormouse nestbox for my wildlife area from #CJWildlife with a gift voucher from my lovely publisher. #DHL have just delivered the heavy box, slung it over our gates and everything is smashed to pieces. You just despair.
My wife is leaving me because of my sauce obsession... Oh well, Tartare!
I never spoke to the woman who has lived next door to me for 24 years until today… Turns out her name is Alice!
Did you know that slugs are just snails that have gone through a divorce and she got the house?
A cannibal comes home from holiday on crutches with only one leg. He says, "That's the last time I go self catering!"
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