@jlfields30 Profile picture

Ian Beauregard Schmidt

@jlfields30

Oh, you know!

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Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

Called the cops on a neighbor who was giving out apples and toothbrushes.


Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.


Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

All weekends should include Monday anyway.


Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

I can see myself going to jail over pie.


Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

What base is it, when she says she likes your new hearing aids?


Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

Raisins should be called grape jerky


Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

Growing up, I was ashamed of my mom because she had the fewest DUI arrests of any other mom in my hometown.


Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

Wiping my tears with a breakfast burrito.


Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

If you're looking for a bad boy, I just got shushed in the library.


Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

My kid said I’m almost halfway to 100 so I gave him broccoli for breakfast.


Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

I can do a lot of things now that I couldn’t do 20 years ago, like cause a herniated disc by picking up my reading glasses off the floor.


Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

I just seen a boy walk in the gas station with one cowboy boot and one crock. If them two things can work together maybe it ain’t too late for this land.


Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

Do it scared, do it broke, do it alone, do it unsure, but do it anyway.


Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

I hate to brag but I get asked about my mental stability on a daily basis.


Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

Are we like this cause we drank from the hose


Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

Babe, is your ass the sun? Because it reminds me of a ball full of gases.


Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted
Tweet Image 1

Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

The sound of rain is always better than the feel of it


Ian Beauregard Schmidt Reposted

may thy duckies be bountiful upon thy dashboard and may thine monster energy claws be monstrous.


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