Having a child is like having a really shitty roommate that never cooks, cleans, or pays rent.
I wish fat was like muscle; if you don’t use it, you lose it.
The most important conversational skill is knowing when to end a conversation.
I’m always excited for the return of warm weather until I remember how much I hate bugs.
I wonder how many engagement rings fall from the top of the Eiffel Tower every year.
I use my phone all the time but I haven’t once used it in a dream.
People keep saying money doesn’t buy happiness, but 99% of my problems boils down to lack of money.
Procrastinating makes you more productive in a shorter span of time.
Why is ‘bra’ singular when it covers two things & 'panties’ plural when it covers only one?
Those who say “It’s not about the money” or “I don’t care about money” tend to be those with a lot of money.
I dress and act professional all day long just to look good and impress people who are also only acting professional.
If someone breaks a record in space is it still a “world” record?
Ever wonder if Neil Armstrong told jokes about the moon but ended them off with saying “Ahh you had to be there”
It wouldn’t surprise me if the Furby I had as a child is still creepily singing and cackling in a landfill somewhere.
Ireland is both one sea and one “c” away from Iceland.
I wonder how many people I’ve spoken to for the last time in my life.
Adulthood basically comes down to a nightly decision: sleep or hobbies.
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