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Ever accidentally throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it? Haha i did this with my life.
Sitting while wearing shorts is a fun way to make your thighs look like they escaped sausage casing.
Sorry, I dont date block guys.- racist lego woman.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. Me? I use coupons to get pizza...
Anger is a feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
Im pretty sure I have a defective iphone 5, I keep pressing the home button and Im still at work.
You dont know something? Google it. You dont know someone? Facebook it. You dont find Something? MOM!
Dont cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse.
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, thats my stuff!"?
My sleep number is 24. Thats a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
I dont have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes! Ill be celebrating that tonight.
If youre single and you know it hug your cat!
Im not a mechanic so I dont know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
I dont understand interventions. Whats the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
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