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i think the killer from silence of the lambs owns this van https://t.co/1HYOGApq6d
Cop: Do u know why I pulled–*sees bald eagle in seat beside me* Oh didn't see him there. You can go. Me: America Cop: America Eagle: America
Happy Meowloween! Help Momo protect the ocean from the ghosts and save the possesed ocean creatures! 🐈⬛👻🦈 google.com/doodles/hallow… I was invited back to help create a sequel to Momo's last adventure! Thanks so much for having me!!
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you're good at small talk? ME: ʸᵉˢ INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Billy Joel: Sing us a song, you're the Piano Man. Guy who is half man, half piano: Please kill me.
[At funeral] "USA… USA…" *Stands up* "USA… USA!" *Crowd joins in slowly* "USA! USA!" *Widow jumps up & pounds on casket like a drum* USA! US
one time ESPN had Air Bud on to do commentary on a basketball game and it was insane
Me sowing: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!! Me reaping: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach. "dont forget to tell my wife i love her... and...and...honor me every year with a .....mattress sale."
[aircraft carrier] *paints a T on the helipad* Captain: No it has to have an H Me: Why? *train sounds approaching* Captain: Oh dear god
When I was 8, my best friend stole my boomerang and we got into a big fight. The next day his parents died in a car accident and I never saw him again. Jeff, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
"And the award for Most British Name goes to..." *Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed* "Helena Bonha-" *spews*
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet! WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates GOD: um ok *dinos die, man appears* GOD: wtf
when u do not view yr fears as a trap which restrains u but as a vehicle which u must use to navigate the world https://t.co/x2YgNvYOfM
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Who to follow
-
greg
@GrowlyGrego -
Cat Damon
@CornOnTheGoblin -
brent
@murrman5 -
mike ginn
@shutupmikeginn -
tara shoe
@tarashoe -
Dr. Bucky Isotope, why am I here, am I even real?
@BuckyIsotope -
pat tobin
@tastefactory -
Snorklhuahua
@weinerdog4life -
GoaT FacE
@EndhooS -
Nate
@thenatewolf -
David Hughes
@david8hughes -
paperwash©
@PaperWash -
k e i t h 🐤🥔
@KeetPotato -
princess stronghands
@online_shawn -
Tommytoughstuff
@Tommytoughstuff
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